So you weren’t one of the 1,900 lucky recipients to receive a gilded invitation to the wedding of the century on April 29th…what now? We’ve got a few options for you, some less felonious than others, but no matter which route you choose you’re sure to have a smashing good time. Well, as smashing a good time as one can have before noon…

You could always give up.

Who says that actually attending the wedding is where all the action is? Why not host your own rousing “Will and Kate, Save the Date!” bonanza across the pond in the comfort of your own home? Gracious hosting will require you obtain some tasteful favors from Kate’s family’s party supply company, Party Pieces (how convenient!) and you’ll certainly want to print some invitations of your own, mock gold-leaf, of course. Whip up some mini shepherd’s pies and lay down some tablecloths printed with old Union Jack – it’ll be like having Liverpool in your living room! Be sure to alert your neighbors that you’ll be having 30-40 people over at 4:00am or, better yet, host the party on Thursday, wedding eve, and pull an all-nighter! Newcastle’s for everyone!

You could try getting a last minute invite.

Word on the street is that Kate’s inviting two and William four former lovers…why not try to convince the royal invitation committee (yes, there is such a thing) you and one of the betrothed have a salacious past? Better yet, if you’re small enough you could always try and pretend to be one of David and Victoria Beckham’s sons. If you’ve got an in with Elton John’s people try and convince them to get you an invite as a piano tuner or even his personal “sequin concierge.”

You could celebrate with the mobs.

Say you’ve somehow managed to snag one of the remaining flights to London from the USA the week before the wedding and you’ve miraculously scored a room less than 120 miles outside the capitol city. You’re now only a few steps away from hob-nobbing with 800,000 of your fellow royal revelers outside the Abbey…be sure to bring a giant British flag to wave! To add to the entertainment (since you likely won’t even catch a glimpse of the bride and groom) make a sign, something cheeky like “Hullo Mum!,” to hold up in hopes your friends back home will be among the estimated 2 billion people watching the events unfold on TV.

You could get angry.

If the feeling of being left off the royal guest list has left you irreparably cold and bitter, perhaps moving to a country that wasn’t a former colony of Britain’s a good place to start…we hear Tajikistan’s nice this time of year. Better yet, if you’ve got any political background (or not), feel free to move to Britain, wait the required amount of time then run for office, eventually petitioning to overthrow the royal family’s status altogether. A solid plan, chap.

You could try to sneak in.

Security’s going to be tight, very tight, and with an estimated $30 million spent so far…it should be. You’ve got little chance being able to pop out of the cake and even less trying to sashay your way into Kate’s dressing room since her gown is being guarded with more secrecy than Area 51. The best bets are going to be paying off the carriage captain (note – this plan requires you know how to drive a carriage) or possibly blending in as a member of the children’s choir. If all else fails, put on your best top-hat and walking stick and stroll right in Westminster like you own the place. Warning: this site does not condone or encourage illegal royal wedding behavior. Unless it’s particularly hilarious.

You could up your chances for next time.

It’s an undeniable fact that the royal family’s had a bit of trouble defying that high divorce rate as of late and you’re pretty sure this won’t be the last royal wedding within your grasp. To try and score an invitation to William’s next matrimonial soiree, send the biggest and most ostentatious gift (a Rolls Royce? A Shetland pony? Dental vouchers?) you can afford to the palace, but make sure it arrives weeks after the wedding with a note that says something to the effect of “Sorry we couldn’t attend…heard it was lovely, can’t wait to see pictures!” This foolproof plan will get you on the radar, no doubt leaving those Brits scratching their heads and at the very least guarantee you a spot at Harry’s wedding to the party-blonde-of-the-month.

You’ve spent years pining after William (sorry, Harry) and you’ve finally recognized it’s time to stop checking your empty mailbox relentlessly, searching for a shimmer of gold like Charlie and that Wonka bar. The next move is in your hands but remember that the British spirit is quiet, dignified and proper. The American spirit is loud, obnoxious and not above making a scene, though, so if you don’t have any royal blood running through your veins you should probably start working on a contingency plan now.

Heather Hendrick writes for English Classics, a seller of antique furniture, Victorian furniture and other classic furniture.

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